The Kingdom & the Church

It has been a number of years since I would consider my relationship with “the Church” as a healthy one. Whether is was attending a mega Church with unbelievable speakers and programs or a tiny church plant begging people to be involved in the worship gathering, the entire enterprise just seemed to be a necessary evil. To ascribe that word to the Church reveals the depths of my confusion and ambivalence. I longed for something more and I was told that Church attendance and involvement were part of the fulfillment of that longing. So….I attended church with great consistency, commitment and focused attention on all I could do to maximize that experience.

Church for me was the gathering, the building, the programs, the offering of the leaders to me as a congregant. I never felt good about being called a member or congregant. It seemed corporate at best or just anonymous at worst. Growing up as a preacher’s kid, church attendance was obligatory. If attendance represented any one’s closeness to God I was nearly glorified by the age of 10 attending meetings sometimes four and five times a week. Maybe it was this highly trained routine that was placed deep within my habitual response to life that made my need for a “church fix” so strong.

Unfortunately the church as a gathering, a program, and building really disappointed me. In fact, it nearly destroyed my life and marriage. I was attending one of the nation’s larger churches and striving diligently to be used by the full time staff on some level. However, there were few slots open for my gifts and the expectation was that my commitment was really going to be manifest by my attendance , my compliance and yes, even my full enjoyment of what was going on at the church. The unspoken assumption was that if I was really desiring to be a humble servant I would understand how hard it was to “run” a church and fit in when I could and be the guy who spoke for leaders.

Now I realize the manipulation of someone who asks for my compliance as if it were servanthood and sees any questioning as rebellion or just rocking the boat. As a preacher’s kid I was very willing and able to co dependently oblige anyone who was in leadership. I wanted them to like me, to tell me how much I was needed, even if all they needed from me was to sit and attend, sing, pray corporately, and support through my tithes and offerings.

Any sense of deviations from the “plan” handed down from on high was tantamount to setting the church up for a spilt. So you ate all your questions, all your concerns, and even your own needs as all your relationships centered on supporting the status quo. There were groups of people who were cheer leaders for the leaders. They would always have a smile on their faces, always have a good word, and always make sure that any complaints were always followed up with “ but the leaders are doing the best job they can do.” I was the “nice guy.” I knew the hearts of the leaders (in some cases I did and in others I did not) so I wanted to smooth over any conflicts and quickly move on to the work of the church which these men (mostly men) knew way before I ever even had these things on my heart and mind. I was passive and compliant and thus able to be supportive of any and all programs that came down the pike.

This statement that leaders were doing the best they can do of course had some truth to it. I do not think I ever met any leaders who got up in the morning and said “Today I am going to take advantage of the flock. Today I am going to push my own agenda regardless of whether it is in the best interest of the family of God or not.” Of course no one says that so trying to get to the core of the issue from the idea that leaders are purposely avoiding truth or duping their people is just not the point.

So what is the point? The real challenge in discovering “the point” is that when you spend the majority of your spiritual life giving away your own personal sense of God’s voice, when you mistake compliance and complicity for unity, then you are a sitting duck for church abuse.In recent years a number of authors have addressed the issues surrounding church abuse. It is clear that there are certain churches and certain leaders who would undeniably be convicted of the crime of abuse. Most churches, however, are not abusing people as much as they are ignoring them. This ascribing of the people in the church to those outside the scope of leadership and God’s voice is in part, part of the problem. It may be just as much of a crime to ignore someone as to misuse them.

Why do many in leadership ignore their flock or offer up simplistic programs to keep them busy and in some case diverted? I think it goes back to a foundational misunderstanding as to what happens in the process of seeking truth and living life. Somehow we have created the misnomer that when Church is “working” all conflicts, all misunderstandings, all conundrums and potential heresies will not only be put to rest, they will not even rear their ugly head. Is this unrealistic and naive or is it so wrong Satan uses it to keep people from discovering deeper truths and more substantial ways of living the Gospel?

How does a group of people hear from God? How does God speak and how might we know if it is God or just humankind hoping to speak for God? Evangelicals have made God an easy mark when it comes to speaking for Him. Christian publishing houses are full of books that probably should have never been written. This may seem a presumptuous thing to say but the shear amount of books claiming to know the heart & mind of God are part of the reason those “outside” the Church regard the whole process as ludicrous. I am not suggesting that the Church attempt to explain itself to those outside its ranks on all issues of truth. It is the presumptuous claim and posture of being God’s spokespersons often void of any brokenness or humility to which most are reacting. In fact, often times the posture of arrogance and smugness is interpreted as standing up for the truth.

As one of the “insiders” as it were, I know that most of the time this posture is actually far from the actual hearts of those wanting to share their faith and message. This posture in some ways is created by the need to placate the “religious” literalist in their midst who want to make sure all things are in order and all things are said according to some scripted rhetoric. No one really knows where the scripts originated or who actually scribed its contents but there are those spokespersons for this exactitude that are guardians over the Spirit of God and those with whom He might mistakenly share His life if the guardians are not vigilant.

The sarcasm here is really more irony. It appears that those claiming to know the voice of God with such clarity and precision are often those who seem to be the least able to offer up His supposedly most dominant character trait-love. As many are attempting to explore the machinations surrounding building community it is clear that one of the elephants sitting in the middle of the room is the deep mistrust and distance Christians have between one another when it comes to discerning the truth. Where does this mistrust and demeanor of suspicion come from? Why do we seem to fluctuate between surrendered obeisance and outright rebellion and cynicism on the other?

We are children of the modern. Part of our DNA is to question. We have been taught from early on in our educational experience that the self and its unveiling only arrive through formidable extrication from tradition and authority. Thus, deep within our ways of knowing we may appear to comply but this compliance is buying us something or we would not bow our knee. In the case of religion it is our fear of being shunned or of being one of the “outsiders.” Thus when we come into the organized Church we bring with us the competing responses of a willingness to cooperate and an underlying distancing that will only go so far and in truth, will bale if the going gets a little to rough. Rough here may mean forgiving, committing to relationships even when it has ceased to “assist” us personally. Is it possible that it is easier to set up a system where unity and community are built around a degree of intellectual assent rather than a deep deep commitment to live out our lives with one another? ( i.e. The Kingdom)

One of the strongholds I believe many have encountered in the dialogue about forming a church plant is just how messy all this talk of community might get when they actually start to live out our lives with one another. Your sin, your brokenness is going to cost me. It will spill out all over me and my family. You greed, your pride, your sloth, your fears come with the package. I cannot separate your need of a Savior with your joyous gifts that you may freely bestow on me as well. I get the beautiful brokenness in community and I really feel more comfortable with the old Church model. Give me programs. Give me technique and list of things to do and be. Write it out on the wall. Make teaching more like parenting rather than a journey we take together. Make loving more about what we share in common (what many of us call friendship) and less about sitting with you even when your sin has now brought me to me knees along with you. (An aside- marriage is often wrought with this reality)

This is what I am frightened of. This is what I want to avoid. I do not want to get hurt. I do not want to be a part of something that might turn sour. I would rather dip my finger in the luke warm water of organized religion than the nitty gritty world of life and the Kingdom that are so big I am frightened in its shadow.

It makes sense to me that I run from pain and hurt. Who in their right mind would willingly step into the path of a careening automobile driving headlong into their midst. This ironically is the underbelly of every and all churches. We are dangerous. We are a group of wounded people poised to either do damage or bring relief to sorrow and suffering. Most of the time it is both. I want to faucet that gives only pure water. I want the community that is risk free. I want the church that has made all the hard decisions for me and all I have to do is “buy” into the program and comply. Thus, much of the compliance that I complained about above, I have had a hand in creating. I am the man!

What do I do?

Like many rants, as some point we must empty our inner outrage only to discover the very hypocrisy of which we observe is equally in our own heart. I must repent Father. I am the one afraid of moving out into this space where You are my only source. I want the protection of formality and structure even if it is not forming anything in me of worth. Please help me walk in the fullness of Your Spirit and hear and listen to You. I am not sure if I would even know the voice of God sometimes. I know I must learn to listen together. Listen in love.

This is it. This is the sacred task.

Listening

Listening

Loving

Loving

Listening

Listening

Loving

Loving

What are You saying Father?.

Speak to us.