Holy Discontent as Time

When Waiting is No Longer an Option
The future enters into us, in order to transform itself in us, long before it happens.
Maria Rainier Rilke

The greatest barrier to moving into a new place in God is the comfort we find in the one we are currently living. I am yet to hear anyone say “isn’t this level of anxiety great?” Isn’t it wonderful to move into a place of complete trust that involves walking away from what I know even though it is not working anymore? Humorous but true. We are like the ancients. There may be dragons at the end of the map. Is the world really flat? We may fall off. In truth, whatever fears we cannot not understand or acknowledge, we will feel and feel them with a vengeance.

When does a holy longing become a holy discontent? When our cry of a deeper revelation of Christ can no longer wait. Our souls naturally long for enlargement. We are meant to walk into the full stature of Christ. For that to take place, God will allow our resources to dry up and our ways of coping to no longer bring the peace we previously received through the these experiences. We will feel a “crying out.” It may manifest itself differently from person to person. For some it comes as a sense of emotional deadness. We go to work, we do the chores around the house, we come to church but all the tasks seem like they are deadened routines. For others, those closest to us remark how “out of sorts” we seem to be. Whether it is excessive anger, to much sleep, going through the motions with little joy and an embodied sense of presence, life is beginning to run out of juice. For others the malaise may actually come from finally receiving the thing we have sought, fought and lived for. The job promotion, the new house, the honor in the community, the life long accomplishment finally come to fruition, or whatever and we now feel almost let down. Now we have what we so diligently fought for and somehow the deep hunger for more continues to persist. In fact, now there is an intrusive sense of panic. If this is not it, what is? You say to yourself, “I should be fulfilled with all this. I should finally feel fulfilled and connected. I should finally feel like I am who I was meant to be. Has my ladder been leaning against the wrong building all this time," you ask?

All the protestations seem to only detract us from our daily tasks. We live in a world where we must get up each morning and head out claiming the provision of each day so pondering too much to fast can throw some of us into a deep deep depression. Depending on how long we have held the longing at bay is how powerful it will rise to the surface. There are some things in life that just will not wait for the right time or the correct moment to “handle the situation.” This is not about handling anything. No, it really is the opposite. This is about listening to a part of us that here to fore has either been deadened, missing or just quiet and dormant. This is about welcoming the dawning of something mysterious and walking away from other things that although meaningful and maybe even worthwhile, just do not provide the deeper foundation upon which we daily stand.

It has been said by sages and mystics that all significant rites of passage come through suffering and prayer. Maybe that is why we call them mystics and sages. No one wants to hear these hard sayings. No one wants to be forced into prolonged periods where the only thing that makes any sense is silence, prayer, beauty, innocence, and letting go. We are really addressing what Christ calls “transformation." This is different than mere internal change or the acquisition of some bit of spiritual truth. This is a deeply disturbing yet beautifully scandalous move of the Spirit.

One of the first conditions of the soul Christ will confront during these times is our cynicism. Cynicism is really about hopelessness. When we loose hope, even the simplest acts of devotion are dry and void of sustenance. All those around us seem naive and much of our daily routine seems silly and without meaning. Why? That is the deep question in our soul? Why even try. Nothing I do will make any difference. Nothing I can offer to this life will ultimately change my condition. It is this lack of hope that makes us bored with everything and everyone around us. A fragile as hope is, it is a fuel the soul needs to form a future. Without it we see life as a series of disconnected actions. We are a bit player in a theatrical novel in which our fate has been sealed. Nothing can change that. This is what cynicism does to hope.

Paul J. Wadell so powerfully tells us the foundational need for hope when he says, “Hope is empowered by a vision, the vision of our most promising possibility of intimate union with God and all the saints.” This is why cynicism is a dangerous cancer to community and not just to us as individuals.

As many move forward in conversations about community, closeness, friendship, belonging, and truly being loved, we will most assuredly come face to face with our cynicism. It may manifest itself in a variety of different ways. Here is what we tell our selves.

1) Let’s just wait and see

Although all commitments to living and loving do indeed take discernment and prayer, much of what we consider wisdom and patience before jumping into life is really an underlying inclination to hold at bay any potential for being hurt. We just flat out do not want any more disappointment in life. By the time we reach an age where our personal stories begin to take shape, we surely know the pain that others can cause in our lives. From family and friends to churches and bosses, so much of life comes with a price tag. At times that price seems just too expensive. Thus, we wait until we are convinced that nothing hurtful or dangerous to our souls will come into our lives.

2) Let’s regroup and see if what we are currently doing will come back to life even though we have tried to breathe life into the cadaver hundreds of times

As humorous as this statement may sound, I am so convinced that I am animating hundreds of lifeless bodies in my world. Even though “Elvis has left the building,” I am still hoping against hope that some new source of life will peak its head above the lifeless corpse and bring some joy and meaning. There is so much truth in what many call the definition of insanity. Why do we continue to do over and over again what has ceased to make any sense or difference in our lives for years? Habits die hard and spiritual growth comes with funerals. We must put some old ways of living and being to rest. Let them go to their permanent resting places with honor. But, let them have a place to rest in peace.


3) Loose ourselves in tasks that are meaningful and need to be done but could wait.

I am amazed at how often I will pick up a noble task once again and try and breathe life into it just to avoid the yearning my soul longs to embrace. On some level, I find a sense of purpose in some these tasks, but it truth, it is not what my soul requires of me at this time. This task brings a degree of meaningful information and purpose into my life but does not offer the transformation for which my soul demands.

For many in this conversation, we sense we are on not just on a search for fulfillment but a pilgrimage of sorts. We realize that we are approaching a time where much of the distraction and busyness of our soul must now come under His Lordship and we must embrace the gifts yet unopened. Maybe we should call this journey “The Waiting Gift.”